Dear Beard...

This is why Schmatie invented the 'Dear Beard' replacement for dear diary. You're so ahead of your time, Schmatie!

Happy Birthday!

Today is my birthday. I have never much cared about it. I’ve mostly been of the mind that my mother should get the presents; she’s the one who did something. I have told my parents this many times and last year my dad finally enlightened me that the reason we celebrate is because I’m still alive another year later; something that many people could justify betting against. The one thing I always try to get for my birthday is the day off work. That didn’t happen this year. Instead of bitching about it (which I probably did anyway,) I decided to embrace the idea of celebration even though I’m at work. I declared today ‘junk food fiesta’ and went to the grocery store. This is what I bought and am in the process of making for myself and only two coworkers. One of which is leaving at noon:

1 bag tostitos scoops
1 bag tostitos hint of jalapeno scoops (they’re back!)
1 bag mesquite barbeque kettle chips
1 jar french onion dip
1 jar bean and cheese dip
1 package Tim Tams raspberry biscuits (courtesy of my sister in Australia)
1 deep dish spinach, mushroom, garlic pizza
1 deep dish italian sausage pizza
1 Sara Lee pecan coffee cake
1 Sara Lee cherry pie
1 Sara Lee dutch apple pie

I foresee this leading to a severe lack of motivation. Bring on the laziness!

Age is only a number

I was riding the Kee at Schmatie's place last weekend when I found out that the Wii fit test is apparently hard. I've always ejoyed mocking my girlfriend because Wii thinks she is as fit as a spry 63 year old. I couldn't remember if it originally told me I was 25 or 23 (it was 23) so I decided to try again. I was a little apprehensive at first since Anna was there again. I had visions of being 90 while she magically found the fountain of youth and made it into her twenties. Much like my irrational feeling of loneliness due to the loss of my facial hair (thanks for the uplifting words W,) my fear of growing old via Wii were just as unfounded. I would like to share with you all that as my next birthday grows oh so near, I am a Wii approved 21 year old!

*I have removed the facial hair from my character. He is more up-to-date now.

**While I was wasting 'precious' work time writing this blog, I managed to forget everything else I was doing and burned the shit out of my pizza. Damn you Wii!

Week three

...was nearly 'stachetastic.



I shaved the fu into this yesterday. I only lasted an hour before Anna guilted me into shaving. Apparently this is so much worse than both previous 'staches that she really couldn't handle it. She said she wouldn't be seen in public with me like that, and I truly believed her.

Then I thought it would be funny to shave it down to the same width as my soul patch: it wasn't. It was so bad that I refused to even take a picture to post here. Now I'm completely sans facial hair again and I feel naked. Even though I'm back to the same style I rock 10.5 months of the year I feel a little lonely. I grew to love each and every style and I'll miss them equally.

Goodbye beard, until November...

Week 2: Enter the Fu

Because one week just isn't enough.

Catch me ridin' dirty

December 1st. The beginning of mustache week. I don't know if I'm more surprised that I have a girlfriend (and she still manages to kiss me) or that I'm sporting this to work and nobody has said anything at all. I love not caring...

Inspiration

"Your beard looks kinda okay this month."
-recent 'compliment' from a coworker.

Chester A. Arthur reincarnate?

I was just gchatting with Fuzz about beard month. This naturally led to mustache week and me telling her that I'm going to try to pull off the Chester A. Arthur. I thought good ole' Wikipedia would be a proper reference for a picture of the stellar stache. Upon checking the additional photos I realized that wb bears an uncanny resemblance to this photo (below for over-under comparison) of our 21st president. Now I have to decided whether or not to throw away my stache dreams after the realization that wb can one-up me with ease...

November

Is beard month. I woke up yesterday and shaved with excitement (above) about how great we’re all going to look in a few short weeks (last year, below.) This is now a yearly ritual for The Bears. My housemates Big and Biker are participating this year as is my boss from my stucco sidejob, Krome. I know Brad, Tommy and wb are in for sure. I can only hope that David, Martin and Nicko will be participating as well. Stay tuned for further documentation. I would also like to note that after sending a reminder text including the above photo, Tommy promptly wrote back telling me how creepy I look sans facial hair. I agree.

Steve, don't eat it!

A coworker just showed me this fun little page. I'm amazed something (other than me) can be funny and so disgusting at the same time. This one is mostly for Little Bear and Sugar Bear, one more tally for the refrigerator board.

Because I needed it.

It is currently 3:32p.m. on Monday. I left work at 10 this morning (8 hours early) to come home and drink with my roommate Big Ben. I'm drunk. We're playing video games. This is why I will always keep my 'drunk on a Monday' playlist. Hooray for playing hookey!

I heart Craigslist.

The following was not written my me. If I don't know this person, I should. Maybe it was Phil...

Manly Bike for Sale

---

Date: 2008-07-22, 10:18AM PDT


Bike for sale


What kind of bike? I don't know, I'm not a bike scientist. What I am though is a manly guy looking to sell his bike. This bike is made out of metal and kick ass spokes. The back reflector was taken off, but if you think that deters me from riding at night, you're way wrong. I practiced ninja training in Japan's mount Fuji for 5 years and the first rule they teach about ninja biking is that back reflectors let the enemy know where you are. Not having a rear reflector is like saying "FUCK YOU CAR, JUST TRY AND FIND ME".



The bike says Giant on the side because it's referring to my junk, but rest assured even if you have tiny junk that Giant advertisement is going to remain right where it is. I bought this bike for 300 dollars from a retired mercenary that fought in both World War 1 and World War 2 and had his right arm bitten off by a shark in the Phillipines while stationed there as a shark handler. When he sold it to me I had to arm wrestle him for the honor to buy it. I broke his arm in 7 places when I did. He was so impressed with me he offered me to be his son but I thought that was sissy shit so I said no way.



The bike has some rusted screws, but that just shows how much of a bad ass you are. Everyone knows rusted screws on a bike means that you probably drove it underwater and that's bad ass in itself. Those screws can be replaced with shiny new ones, but if you're going to go to that trouble why not just punch yourself in the balls since you're probably a dickless lizard who doesn't like to look intimidating.



The bike is for men because the seat is flat or some shit and not shaped like a dildo. If you like flat seated bikes you're going to love this thing because it doesn't try to penetrate your ass or anything.



I've topped out at 75 miles per hour on this uphill but if you're just a regular man you'll probably top it out at 10 miles per hour. This thing is listed as a street bike which is man-code for bike tank. The bike has 7 speeds in total:


Gear 1 - Sissy Gear
Gear 2 - Less Sissy Gear
Gear 3 - Least Sissy Gear
Gear 4 - Boy Gear
Gear 5 - Pre-teen Boy Gear
Gear 6 - Manly Gear
Gear 7 - Big Muscles Gear

I only like gear 6 and 7 to be honest.


Additionally, this tool of all immense men comes with a gigantic lock to keep it secure. The lock is the size of a bull's testicles and tells people you don't fuck around with locking up your bike tank. It tells would-be-thieves "Hey asshole, touch this bike and I'll appear from the bushes ready to club you with a two-by-four".

Crazy Pills

I'm eating homemade tofu stir fry for lunch...on purpose.

Candy Bar Wisdom

This is what my candy bar just told me. I think this Snickers bar must have worked for Hydrite Chemical Company...

So true Snickers, so true...

New music. Get it. Now.

I'm back in Wisco from the east coast. The trip was amazing and I'll have more on that later. For now, TV on the Radio came out with a new album, Dear Science, on Tuesday. Buy it!

Hello Annapolis

I guess this story starts out at the beginning of my vacation to the east coast. While waiting to board my flight in Chicago I heard those words so dreaded by air travelers everywhere: 'blah blah blah overbooked blah blah relinquish seat blah blah.' Being that I was on vacation and didn't really give a shit I moseyed my way over to the counter to selflessly offer my ticket to a needy orphan flier. Upon giving the flight attendant woman a sly wink and full-on Papa Bear charm, she kindly upgraded my flight to first class. Holla. Yes, this has relevance to my story.

Slightly after takeoff a different lovely flight attendant offered me a delicious beverage of my choice. I chose bourbon. My love of all things whiskey knows no bounds so I drank that up with gluttonous speed. I proceeded to drink five more glasses of whiskey on my 80 minute flight.

I landed at BWI around 8pm local time with all six glasses of whiskey in my happy belly and let Sinko know that we didn't need to stop at his place for anything, just continue on to the bars. After a few rounds of shots and a couple big boy beers (40 oz domestic taps) some of his lady friends showed up. I don't actually remember meeting any of these women but they informed me days later that they were there and I talked to all of them.

Upon leaving the bar I noticed a candy store and realized that I needed fudge; I didn't want it, I needed it. The fudge shop was obviously closed but Papa Bear is not easily deterred. I found an alley and spider scaled my way up to the third floor where I was able to get a toe-hold on the ledge. I then opened a window (which may or may not have been locked) and climbed inside. So now I'm wandering around in this crazy building where the second and third floors are (luckily for me) being renovated. I hear Sinko ask where I am so I throw the window open and tell him not to worry, I'm right here.
The girl he's with freaked out at this point so I climbed out the second floor window and jumped off the kickout onto the street level. Now, I do feel the need to confess that I was so drunk I didn't even realize that what I was doing is not okay in society. It's not that I knew I was doing something wrong and didn't care about the consequences, I just didn't even consider what I had been doing to be wrong. That changed roughly 15 seconds later when a guy came up to me and told me I might want to leave because someone just called the police. Damn you Maryland and your silly silly do-gooders.

Uh oh

Today was the second day in a row that I woke up with a headache. I very rarely get headaches so when one comes along I'm a huge baby about it. What worries me most is that both times the malady went away after my morning coffee. I think I'm officially dependent on caffeine, not good!

Laborers Rejoice

Working a 12 hour shift when all of your friends are out drinking and playing in the water is never fun. After much grumbling from myself and all of the plant operators I work with, we decided to add a glimmer of sunshine into our day by grilling. One reason I fit in at a lab directly associated with a manufacturing plant is because I deemed it necessary to buy this much food for 10 guys.

That doesn't include the 6 bags of chips, pounds of coleslaw, pasta salad and potato salad. Unfortunately no beer could be consumed.

Another bonus is that I made all the operators run their vessels blind (sans lab results) for over 2 hours because I abandoned the lab to prep, cook and eat. All in all I'd say we had a nice little Labor Day (considering we were all at work.)

JD let down by JD

Back when I was a kid (age 18-25) I had a foolproof remedy for colds/the flu. Jack Daniels. I found that if I drank enough Jack, usually more than half a bottle, I would wake up feeling better. Of course there was a mild hangover from time to time but overall I wouldn't be sick. Recently I have found this doesn't seem to work anymore. I went out last night and drank copious amounts of whiskey. I woke up this morning to much worse symptoms and a pretty stellar hangover. So to this I say what my parents have been saying to me for years. JD, you've let me down again.

90s email chain

90s email chain

WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME?: Justen M Duran
NICKNAMES?: Papa Bear, JD, J Dizzle, MC Dizzle
SINGLE OR TAKEN?: very very single
BIRTHDAY?: December 21st
ZODIAC SIGN?: Sagittarius
AGE: 26
HAIR: dark brown buzz-cut. Short enough that it looks gray.
WHERE DO YOU LIVE: Madison, Willy Street
WHAT COLOUR UNDERWEAR ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW?: black boxer briefs
WHAT ARE YOU DOING RIGHT NOW?: Wasting time.
WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU DID?: A crossword puzzle
WHAT IS RIGHT NEXT TO YOU: My computer
WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU ATE OUT WITH?: Lindsay Mae
IF U WERE A TOY, WHAT WOULD YOU BE?: Pewter Voltron
WHERE WOULD YOU WANT TO GO ON YOUR HONEYMOON?: Somewhere I haven't been yet. Madagascar maybe.
WHO WOULD YOU WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH?: I wish I knew.
HOWS THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW?: Warm, a little too humid.
LAST PERSON YOU SPOKE TO ON THE PHONE?: No clue, my mom and dad I think.
LAST PERSON YOU TEXT: Kathy
DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?: no one sent this to me.
WHAT DO YOU THINK A TOBLERONE IS?: Triangular chocolate made in the building that turned into the school I went to in Berne, CH.
U WEARING RIGHT NOW?: Plaid brown shorts. That's it.
DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?: Nope, I've got fantastic vision!
WHO DO CONSIDER YOUR CLOSEST/BESTEST FRIEND?: Biker, Jahnke
WHAT WAS THE BEST ADVICE EVER GIVEN TO YOU?: 1; Always look at a girl's fingernails. If they're too nice she's probably high-maintenance and not worth your time - Biker. 2; When in doubt, fuck it - Tommy via John Lennon.
DO U OWN A VEHICLE?: Ghost Rider (94 Accord,) Hortense (94 Softail Custom,) Unnamed 1978 Harley Shovelhead.
HAVE YOU EVER WON A SPECIAL AWARD?: Football captain, Rookie of the year lacrosse, Chemistry scholarship.
WHAT ARE YOUR FUTURE PLANS?: Become a superhero
FAVOURITE FOOD?: Bacon, anything meat-laden.
FAVOURITE FILM: Bourne trilogy, Hackers, American History X. I love lots of movies.
LAST FILM YOU SAW AT CINEMA?: The Dark Knight
FAVE BOYS COLOGNE: Cuba or Candies
FAVE GIRLS PERFUME: Victoria's Secret - I think it's called Love Spell.
DO YOU LIKE TO DANCE?: Absolutely not.
ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK ANYONE OUT?: Not if she's worth going out with.
IF YOU COULD CHANGE YOUR NAME TO ANTHING, WHAT WOULD IT BE?:
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE?: I have
WHAT IS THE MOST STUPID THING YOU HAVE EVER DONE?: Seriously!? There are far too many to count.
DO YOU LIKE SCARY OR HAPPY MOVIES?: Action or Comedy.
CHRISTMAS OR EASTER?: Thanksgiving
LOVE OR LUST?: Love
KISSES OR HUGS?: Hugs
IF YOU COULD CHANGE ONE THING, WHAT WOULD IT BE:
WHAT COLOUR ARE YOUR PYJAMAS: Ugly yellow, black lacrosse, maroon football shorts.
WHAT COLOUR’S YOUR TOOTHBRUSH?: Blue
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS QUIZ?: Meh
DO U WANT UR FRIENDS TO WRITE BACK?: I don't care.
WHO IS THE MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND:
WHO IS THE LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND:
FAVE PART OF THE OPPOSITE SEX?: Eyes/butt. Aggressiveness.
WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD: Shame
WHATS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP?: Ugh, again...
ROLLER COASTER, SCARY OR WICKED??: I grew up too close to Six Flags to care at all anymore.
HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU LET THE PHONE RING BEFORE YOU ANSWER IT?: I try to never pick up, I hate talking on the phone. Text me people, text.
IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON, DEAD OR ALIVE, WHO WOULD IT BE?: This is too important to come up with quickly.
IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB IN THE WORLD WHAT WOULD IT BE: Professional scuba diver. Stuntman. Stunt driver. Mercenary. Sniper. Wolverine.
IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL?: half empty
WHATS YOUR FAVE NUMBER?: 80

ON GIRLS FOR GUYS TO FILL OUT (for guys only)
THONG OR KNICKERS: Boy shorts
LONG OR SHORT HAIR: Long
TALL OR SHORT: Medium
BREASTS OR BUM?: Butt
BRAINS OR BEAUTY?: Brains
TAN OR FAIR?: Either
CHOCOLATE - WHITE OR MILK?: Milk (Dark would be the best)
ROOT BEER OR DOCTOR PEPPER?: Neither
MUD OR JELLY WRESTLING?: Jell-O
SKIING OR BOARDING?: Boarding
DAY OR NIGHT?: Nights if I can stay awake.
SUMMER OR WINTER?: Winter
CAKE OR PIE?: Cheesecake
SILVER OR GOLD?: Silver or white Gold
DIAMONDS OR PEARLS?: Blue Diamonds (lucky charms)
SUNRISE OR SUNSET?: Sunset
HAVE YOU EVER BROKEN A BONE?: Nose, fingers, toes, ribs. Nothing that needed a cast.
DO YOU WEAR RINGS?: I own a couple but I don't ever wear them.
DO YOU HATE ANYONE: People in general
ARE YOU LOUD OR QUIET: Both, more quiet lately.
DO U BELIEVE IN YOURSELF: Most of the time

Little Brown Jug

After waiting over a week to receive 4 bottles of a reagent at work (delivery usually takes 3 days, max) I called the supplier to find out when I could expect delivery. I gave the nice woman the company phone number and street address. The conversations, both with her and my coworkers, that ensued were disturbing and amusing:

Customer Service Lady: Oh, are you in Georgia.

Me: Ummm, no. Wisconsin.

CSL: Oh (very long pause) let's see here. Can you give me your address again.

I told her again.

CSL: It looks like the distributor may have sent it to the wrong address. We'll send out a replacement order right away.

Me: Thank you very much.

At this point I hang up and tell Tim and Luke (my coworkers) about what happened.

Tim: They sent it to GEORGIA?!

Me: Sure did (laughing)

Luke: Perc in GAA - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Perchloric_acid - , that's great. I hope some redneck gets a surprise delivery.

Tim: (in a Southern drawl) Hey maw, lookee here what da dee-livery truck just droppeded off.

Me: You know those idiots are going to think it's moonshine or something.

Luke: Oh, it even comes in a brown jug. They are going to think the scull and crossbones means it must be the good shit.

Me: (still laughing) Man, you know if there's a news report about a community in Georgia being in a cult and killing themselves by drinking acid, I might have to feel a little bad about this conversation.

Reasoning at its finest

They're not zombies, they're Hispanics. So you don't even have to feel bad about shooting them.

-Comment from a coworker in reference to Resident Evil 4.